This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
