so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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