Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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