I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
