Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
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You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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