I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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