I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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