she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
