If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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