I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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