I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
