I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
