You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
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My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
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I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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