Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
