Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
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what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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