I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
