So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
