i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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