I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
