If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
