They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
