I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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