I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
