I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
