Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
