i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm like, not good at living.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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