so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
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If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
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Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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