I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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