Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
