her vagina looked like bernie madoff
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
