I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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