If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
