i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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