Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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