from now on my penis is your penis
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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