you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
