I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
...so i touched it.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
