My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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