I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
