The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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