I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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