you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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