she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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