the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
