i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
