Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
