I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
