My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
