Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
