Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
We smell like vodka and hangover
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