she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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