best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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