sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
