Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
