i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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