I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
