I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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